Dear M,

     I miss you so much. I feel so badly about taking you and leaving you at that kennel. It was the worst thing I have ever had to do. I know you were scared when they put you in the kennel. I wish I could’ve stayed with you. You were my best friend. I loved you so much and hope you are happy now. I can’t imagin what you went through. Did you miss me? Did you hate me? Did you think I hated you?I hope not. I had no choice honey. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Watching you walk away with that girl totally wrecked me. I can still see you. I don’t even know if you’re alive or dead now. Either way, I hope you are happy. You probably felt like I did when Daddy left us. And I’m sorry for that. I hope you wait for me at the Rainbow Bridge and some day we can be together again. I miss you!

Love,

     Mommy

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Dear Judas,

   I hate you so much. I can’t even believe I loved you for all those years. I had no idea you had the ability to do this to someone. You had me fooled into believing that you were a good person. You fooled me into believing that you loved me. I hate you for that! I wasted that whole time in my life on you when I could’ve been making something of myself. And now that I am trying to do just that, you tell me I am stupid and lazy. You have no idea how hard I work. I miss my dog so much you can’t even imagin and don’t even care. YOU DON’T EVEN CARE!!!!! Do you know how hard it was to see her walk back into the kennel with someone else?Do you have any idea? I lost eveything because of you. EVERYTHING that I cared about and thought was for sure, I lost. I wish you would’ve just killed me. I tried to kill myself because of the pain, but it didn’t work. Now you try to tell me that the break up was both of our faults? Who asked for a divorce after kissing me? Who moved out? Who didn’t want any kind of couselling? Who said they didn’t love me? Who went and fucked thier old girlfriend and then got engaged to her while still married? Yeah, it was my fault…right. Do you have any idea how hard it is to  be alone? I mean really alone? No, because you have never been alone. I have no one to hug me, or even talk to at night. Do you know the ache in the heart that comes from lonliness? I hate you! I hope your fiance screws around on you and you find her in bed with another guy and all your dreams of happiness and being loved are stripped away. Just so you know how it feels. Then, I hope she tells you what an ass you are and how stupid and lazy you are.

Oh, did I say I hate you? No? Well I do!

Welcome to my blog. I had a blog at another site but too many people I knew were reading it. I want to use this blog for personal emotions, feelings, thoughts and happenings that I don’t want any judgement on. I just want to get them out without consequence.

Some background and what I am trying to recover from:

  1. my husband left me for another women.
  2.  cutting
  3. childhood abuse
  4. low self esteem
  5. co dependence to an narcisist
  6. having to give up everything I had and cared about because he left, including all pets.

That’s enough for now. I’ll talk more later.

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